Understanding the Theory: Conflict Styles Competitive: People who tend towards a competitive style take a firm stand, and know what they want. Collaborative: People tending towards a collaborative style try to meet the needs of all people involved. Compromising: People who prefer a compromising style try to find a solution that will at least partially satisfy everyone.
Accommodating: This style indicates a willingness to meet the needs of others at the expense of the person’s own needs.
Avoiding: People tending towards this style seek to evade the conflict entirely. Once you understand the different styles, you can use them to think about the most appropriate approach (or mixture of approaches) for the situation you're in. You can also think about your own instinctive approach, and learn how you need to change this if necessary.
Maybe resolve your conflict with a pillow fight.
Using the Tool: A Conflict Resolution Process
Step One:Set the Scene Make sure that people understand that the conflict may be a mutual problem, which may be best resolved through discussion and negotiation rather than through raw aggression. If you are involved in the conflict, emphasize the fact that you are presenting your perception of the problem. Use __active listening__ skills to ensure you hear and understand other’s positions and perceptions.
Restate
Paraphrase
Summarize
And make sure that when you talk, you're using an adult, __assertive__ approach rather than a submissive or aggressive style. Step Two:Gather Information Here you are trying to get to the underlying interests, needs, and concerns. Ask for the other person’s viewpoint and confirm that you respect his or her opinion and need his or her cooperation to solve the problem. Try to understand his or her motivations and goals, and see how your actions may be affecting these. Also, try to understand the conflict in objective terms: Is it affecting work performance? damaging the delivery to the client? disrupting team work? hampering decision-making? or so on. Be sure to focus on work issues and leave personalities out of the discussion.
Listen with empathy and see the conflict from the other person’s point of view.
Identify issues clearly and concisely.
Use “I” statements.
Remain flexible.
Clarify feelings.
Step Three: Agree the Problem This sounds like an obvious step, but often different underlying needs, interests and goals can cause people to perceive problems very differently. You'll need to agree the problems that you are trying to solve before you'll find a mutually acceptable solution. Sometimes different people will see different but interlocking problems - if you can't reach a common perception of the problem, then at the very least, you need to understand what the other person sees as the problem.
Step Four:Brainstorm Possible Solutions If everyone is going to feel satisfied with the resolution, it will help if everyone has had fair input in generating solutions. Brainstorm possible solutions, and be open to all ideas, including ones you never considered before.
Step Five: Negotiate a Solution By this stage, the conflict may be resolved: Both sides may better understand the position of the other, and a mutually satisfactory solution may be clear to all.
BUILDING THE SKILLS THAT CAN TURN CONFLICTS INTO OPPORTUNITIES
Conflict Resolution Skills
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of healthy relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Therefore, learning how to deal with conflict—rather than avoiding it—is crucial.
When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm the relationship. But when handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. By learning the skills you need for successful conflict resolution, you can face disagreements with confidence and keep your personal and professional relationships strong and growing.
Understanding conflict in relationshipsConflict arises from differences. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences look trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is at the core of the problem¾a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy.
Conflicts arise from differing needs
Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported, but the ways in which these needs are met vary widely. Differing needs for feeling comfortable and safe create some of the most severe challenges in our personal and professional relationships.
Think about the conflicting need for safety and continuity versus the need to explore and take risks. You frequently see this conflict between toddlers and their parents. The child’s need is to explore, so the street or the cliff meets a need. But the parents’ need is to protect the child’s safety, so limiting exploration becomes a bone of contention between them.
It is important to acknowledge that both parties’ needs play important roles in the long-term success of most relationships, and each deserves respect and consideration. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.
Conflict 101
A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure, knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.
Conflict may feel more threatening to you than it really is
Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from frightening or painful memories from previous unhealthy relationships or your early childhood, you may expect all present-day disagreements to end badly. You may view conflict in relationships as demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous, and something to fear. If your early life experiences also left you feeling out of control and powerless, conflict may even be traumatizing for you.
If you view conflict as dangerous, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you go into a conflict situation already feeling extremely threatened, it’s tough to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way. Instead, you are more likely to shut down or blow up in anger.
Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict
Unhealthy responses to conflict:
Healthy responses to conflict
An inability to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person
Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions
The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment
An inability to compromise or see the other person’s side.
The fear and avoidance of conflict; the expectation of bad outcomes
The capacity to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person
Calm, non-defensive, and respectful reactions
A readiness to forgive and forget, and to move past the conflict without holding resentments or anger
The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing
A belief that facing conflict head is the best thing for both sides
Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to regulate stress and your emotions
Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.
If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. If you don’t understand your needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them.
The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:
Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
Control your emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others.
Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others.
Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster.
In order to do this you will need to learn and practice two core skills: the ability to quickly reduce stress in the moment and the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to react in constructive ways even in the midst of an argument or a perceived attack.
Quick stress relief: The first core conflict resolution skill
Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways.
Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:
Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.
Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:
Accurately read another person's nonverbal communication.
Hear what someone is really saying.
Be aware of your own feelings.
Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs.
Communicate your needs clearly.
Is stress a problem or you?
You may be so used to being stressed that you're not even aware you are stressed. Stress may be a problem in your life if you identify with the following:
You often feel tense or tight somewhere in your body.
You're not aware of movement in your chest or stomach when you breathe.
Conflict absorbs your time and attention.
Learn how to beat stress in the moment
The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress (if you don't have someone close at hand to talk to) is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you. Read:Quick Stress Relief: Surefire Ways to Rapidly Reduce Stress
Emotional awareness: The second core conflict resolution skill
Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or smooth over disagreements. Although knowing your own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.
Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict
Emotional awareness—consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict.
Emotional awareness helps you:
Understand what is really troubling other people
Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you
Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved
Communicate clearly and effectively
Attract and influence others
Assessing your ability to recognize and manage emotions
The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very frequently, or almost always. There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.
What kind of relationship do I have with my emotions?
Do I experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
Are my emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
Do I experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
Can I experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
Do I pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?
If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off.
Nonverbal communication plays a big role in conflict resolution
The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication is conveyed by emotionally-driven facial expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone and intensity of voice.
The most important communication is wordless
Nonverbal communication
When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.
When you’re in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying, respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. Simple nonverbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.
Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling.
Humor, judiciously used, can effectively defuse conflict
Playful Communication Skills
Once stress and emotion are brought into balance your capacity for joy, pleasure and playfulness is unleashed. Joy is a deceptively powerful resource. Studies show that you can surmount adversity, as long as you continue to have moments of joy. Humor plays a similar role when the challenge you're facing is conflict.
You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a playful or humorous way. Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humor and play is used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.
Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following conflict resolution guidelines:
Listen for what is felt as well as said. When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.
Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or "being Right". Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
Have stress, mood swings, or painful life experiences thrown you off balance? Use this toolkit to help you learn how to cope with overwhelming challenges. **Go to Toolkit »**
Related links for conflict resolution skills
General information about conflict resolution
Fighting Fair To Resolve Conflict – Covers the causes of conflict, different conflict styles, and fair fighting guidelines to help you positively resolve disagreements. (University of Texas at Austin) Conflict Resolution – Comprehensive resource on how to manage and resolve conflict. Includes About Conflictand 8 Steps for Conflict Resolution. (University of Wisconsin, Madison) CR Kit – 12-step conflict resolution training kit. Learn how to pursue a win-win approach, manage emotions, be appropriately assertive, map the conflict, and develop options. (The Conflict Resolution Network) Conflict Resolution: Resolving Conflict Rationally and Effectively – Guide to conflict in the workplace and different conflict styles. Includes a 5-step process for successful conflict resolution. (MindTools)
Tips for managing and resolving conflict
Resolving Conflict Constructively and Respectfully – Tips on how to manage and resolve conflict in a positive, respectful, and mutually-beneficial way. (Ohio State University Extension) How to Resolve Conflict – Advice on resolving differences and managing conflict between individuals, small groups, and organizations. (Roger Darlington) Effective Communication – Article on the art of listening in conflict resolution. Includes tips on how to make your point effectively and negotiate conflict in principled, positive way. (University of Maryland) Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A., contributed to this article. Last reviewed: November 2010. **//
Glossary Of Terms
Accommodating: A style of dealing with conflict in which the needs of others overwhelm one's own, in an effort to be diplomatic; characterized by submissive communication; also known as smoothing.
Active listening: The process of seeking to understand another person's point of view, demonstrating a desire to understand the meaning of that person's communication without judgment.
Affirming environment: A positive, respectful atmosphere in which to communicate.
Assertive communication: The sharing of one's needs and concerns, while respecting the needs of other persons involved.
Avoiding: A conflict style in which disagreements and concerns go unexpressed, often making the circumvented conflict worse.
Behavioral responses: Actions in reaction to conflict, such as yelling, walking out, withdrawal, or negotiating.
Cognitive responses: Thoughts and ideas about a conflict, often present as "inner voices" and sub-vocalizations.
Collaborating: The pooling of individual needs and goals towards a common goal; a conflict style that often produces a better solution than any individual party could achieve alone; the integration of separate interests.
Competing: A conflict style in which one's own needs overwhelm the needs of others; often characterized by aggressive communication; tends to result in conflict escalation.
Compromising: A conflict style involving tradeoffs, resulting in some sense of satisfaction, but no real exploration of the underlying needs of the disputing parties. Conflict styles: Varying approaches of behaving during conflict
Consensus: A situation (or decision) in which all members of a group find an outcome to be acceptable; most valued when members of the group perceive it to be genuinely "safe" to express dissent.
Emotional responses: Feelings curing a conflict, such as anger, fear, confusion, or elation; often contribute to behavioral and physical responses.
Empathy: The ability to put oneself in another person's position and understand that point of view.
Expertise power: The power accumulated from developing great technical knowledge regarding a particular role or set of challenges
Extremists: Parties to a dispute who hold extreme, strongly held, convictions about the right positions and solutions in a conflict; often the strongest voices in a multi-party dispute
Facilitator: One who makes the process easy; a person empowered by the group to manage a group process (e.g., a meeting).
Ground rules: the rules of conduct that govern the interactions of group members; expectations regarding interpersonal behavior.
"I"-message: A technique for expressing one's feelings assertively, without evaluating or blaming others; "I"-messages connect a feeling statement with the specific behaviors of another person and the consequences of those feelings and behaviors.
Impasse: A point at which conflicting parties feel "stuck" and no longer able to find effective solutions; often a normal phase of the conflict resolution process.
Mediator: An impartial third party who facilitates the resolution of conflict between two or more parties.
Moderates: Parties to a dispute who tend to be able to see valid aspects of each perspective and have greater flexibility about potential definitions of the negotiating space; often will be reluctant to express views in a multi-party dispute.
Multi-party disputes: Conflicts involving more than two identifiable parties or factions.
Opening Statement: In a facilitated meeting, the introduction given by the facilitator to set the tone for the meeting, establish ground rules, and clarify the process.
Physical responses: Bodily reactions to conflict, such as muscle tension, sweating, and dry mouth; often interact behavioral and emotional responses.
Pre-negotiation: The intervention of a concerned third party encourage participation in the negotiation or discussion process; can take place prior to or between meetings; an initial phase of the mediation process, where mediator meets with each party prior to a joint session.
Problem solving: An intentional and systematic process by which effective responses are sought for difficult situations.
Procedural concerns: Issues that relate to the process by which a problem is addressed; one of three sets of concerns (along with substantive and psychological concerns) in conflict.
Psychological concerns: Issues that relate to the emotional well being of group members, such as safety, trust, integrity concerns; one of three sets of concerns (along with substantive and procedural concerns) in conflict.
Referent power: The power that one accrues from earning respect from others, generally associated with integrity and competence.
Understanding the Theory: Conflict Styles
Competitive: People who tend towards a competitive style take a firm stand, and know what they want.
Collaborative: People tending towards a collaborative style try to meet the needs of all people involved.
Compromising: People who prefer a compromising style try to find a solution that will at least partially satisfy everyone.
Accommodating: This style indicates a willingness to meet the needs of others at the expense of the person’s own needs.
Avoiding: People tending towards this style seek to evade the conflict entirely.
Once you understand the different styles, you can use them to think about the most appropriate approach (or mixture of approaches) for the situation you're in. You can also think about your own instinctive approach, and learn how you need to change this if necessary.
Maybe resolve your conflict with a pillow fight.
Using the Tool: A Conflict Resolution Process
Step One: Set the Scene
Make sure that people understand that the conflict may be a mutual problem, which may be best resolved through discussion and negotiation rather than through raw aggression.
If you are involved in the conflict, emphasize the fact that you are presenting your perception of the problem. Use __active listening__ skills to ensure you hear and understand other’s positions and perceptions.
- Restate
- Paraphrase
- Summarize
And make sure that when you talk, you're using an adult, __assertive__ approach rather than a submissive or aggressive style.Step Two: Gather Information
Here you are trying to get to the underlying interests, needs, and concerns. Ask for the other person’s viewpoint and confirm that you respect his or her opinion and need his or her cooperation to solve the problem.
Try to understand his or her motivations and goals, and see how your actions may be affecting these.
Also, try to understand the conflict in objective terms: Is it affecting work performance? damaging the delivery to the client? disrupting team work? hampering decision-making? or so on. Be sure to focus on work issues and leave personalities out of the discussion.
- Listen with empathy and see the conflict from the other person’s point of view.
- Identify issues clearly and concisely.
- Use “I” statements.
- Remain flexible.
- Clarify feelings.
Step Three: Agree the ProblemThis sounds like an obvious step, but often different underlying needs, interests and goals can cause people to perceive problems very differently. You'll need to agree the problems that you are trying to solve before you'll find a mutually acceptable solution.
Sometimes different people will see different but interlocking problems - if you can't reach a common perception of the problem, then at the very least, you need to understand what the other person sees as the problem.
Step Four: Brainstorm Possible Solutions
If everyone is going to feel satisfied with the resolution, it will help if everyone has had fair input in generating solutions. Brainstorm possible solutions, and be open to all ideas, including ones you never considered before.
Step Five: Negotiate a Solution
By this stage, the conflict may be resolved: Both sides may better understand the position of the other, and a mutually satisfactory solution may be clear to all.
UTube Video- Conflict Resolution
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDoQIpe5TxAConflict Resolution Skills
BUILDING THE SKILLS THAT CAN TURN CONFLICTS INTO OPPORTUNITIES
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of healthy relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Therefore, learning how to deal with conflict—rather than avoiding it—is crucial.
When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm the relationship. But when handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. By learning the skills you need for successful conflict resolution, you can face disagreements with confidence and keep your personal and professional relationships strong and growing.
IN THIS ARTICLE:
- Understanding conflict in relationships
- Conflict may feel more threatening
- Successful conflict resolution
- Quick stress relief
- Emotional awareness
- Nonverbal
Understanding conflict in relationshipsConflict arises from differences. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences look trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is at the core of the problem¾a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy.Conflicts arise from differing needs
Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported, but the ways in which these needs are met vary widely. Differing needs for feeling comfortable and safe create some of the most severe challenges in our personal and professional relationships.Think about the conflicting need for safety and continuity versus the need to explore and take risks. You frequently see this conflict between toddlers and their parents. The child’s need is to explore, so the street or the cliff meets a need. But the parents’ need is to protect the child’s safety, so limiting exploration becomes a bone of contention between them.
It is important to acknowledge that both parties’ needs play important roles in the long-term success of most relationships, and each deserves respect and consideration. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.
Conflict 101
Conflict may feel more threatening to you than it really is
Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from frightening or painful memories from previous unhealthy relationships or your early childhood, you may expect all present-day disagreements to end badly. You may view conflict in relationships as demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous, and something to fear. If your early life experiences also left you feeling out of control and powerless, conflict may even be traumatizing for you.If you view conflict as dangerous, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you go into a conflict situation already feeling extremely threatened, it’s tough to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way. Instead, you are more likely to shut down or blow up in anger.
Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to regulate stress and your emotions
Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. If you don’t understand your needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them.
The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:
In order to do this you will need to learn and practice two core skills: the ability to quickly reduce stress in the moment and the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to react in constructive ways even in the midst of an argument or a perceived attack.
Quick stress relief: The first core conflict resolution skill
Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways.Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:
Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:
Is stress a problem or you?
You may be so used to being stressed that you're not even aware you are stressed. Stress may be a problem in your life if you identify with the following:Learn how to beat stress in the moment
The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress (if you don't have someone close at hand to talk to) is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.Read: Quick Stress Relief: Surefire Ways to Rapidly Reduce Stress
Emotional awareness: The second core conflict resolution skill
Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or smooth over disagreements. Although knowing your own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict
Emotional awareness—consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict.Emotional awareness helps you:
Assessing your ability to recognize and manage emotions
The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very frequently, or almost always. There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.What kind of relationship do I have with my emotions?
If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off.
For help in changing this situation see Developing Emotional Awareness: Recognizing and Harnessing the Power of Your Emotions.
Nonverbal communication plays a big role in conflict resolution
The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication is conveyed by emotionally-driven facial expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone and intensity of voice.The most important communication is wordless
When you’re in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying, respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. Simple nonverbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.
Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling.
See Nonverbal Communication Skills: The Power of Body Language and Nonverbal Cues.
Humor, judiciously used, can effectively defuse conflict
You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a playful or humorous way. Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humor and play is used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.
See Playful Communication Skills: Using Laughter and Play in Relationships.
Tips for managing and resolving conflict
Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following conflict resolution guidelines:Related articles
Surefire Ways to Rapidly Reduce Stress
Recognizing and Harnessing the Power of Your Emotions
More Helpguide Articles:
Need More Help?
Use your senses to keep stress in check
Have stress, mood swings, or painful life experiences thrown you off balance? Use this toolkit to help you learn how to cope with overwhelming challenges. **Go to Toolkit »**Related links for conflict resolution skills
General information about conflict resolution
Fighting Fair To Resolve Conflict – Covers the causes of conflict, different conflict styles, and fair fighting guidelines to help you positively resolve disagreements. (University of Texas at Austin)Conflict Resolution – Comprehensive resource on how to manage and resolve conflict. Includes About Conflictand 8 Steps for Conflict Resolution. (University of Wisconsin, Madison)
CR Kit – 12-step conflict resolution training kit. Learn how to pursue a win-win approach, manage emotions, be appropriately assertive, map the conflict, and develop options. (The Conflict Resolution Network)
Conflict Resolution: Resolving Conflict Rationally and Effectively – Guide to conflict in the workplace and different conflict styles. Includes a 5-step process for successful conflict resolution. (MindTools)
Tips for managing and resolving conflict
Resolving Conflict Constructively and Respectfully – Tips on how to manage and resolve conflict in a positive, respectful, and mutually-beneficial way. (Ohio State University Extension)How to Resolve Conflict – Advice on resolving differences and managing conflict between individuals, small groups, and organizations. (Roger Darlington)
Effective Communication – Article on the art of listening in conflict resolution. Includes tips on how to make your point effectively and negotiate conflict in principled, positive way. (University of Maryland)
Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A., contributed to this article. Last reviewed: November 2010.
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Active listening: The process of seeking to understand another person's point of view, demonstrating a desire to understand the meaning of that person's communication without judgment.
Affirming environment: A positive, respectful atmosphere in which to communicate.
Assertive communication: The sharing of one's needs and concerns, while respecting the needs of other persons involved.
Avoiding: A conflict style in which disagreements and concerns go unexpressed, often making the circumvented conflict worse.
Behavioral responses: Actions in reaction to conflict, such as yelling, walking out, withdrawal, or negotiating.
Cognitive responses: Thoughts and ideas about a conflict, often present as "inner voices" and sub-vocalizations.
Collaborating: The pooling of individual needs and goals towards a common goal; a conflict style that often produces a better solution than any individual party could achieve alone; the integration of separate interests.
Competing: A conflict style in which one's own needs overwhelm the needs of others; often characterized by aggressive communication; tends to result in conflict escalation.
Compromising: A conflict style involving tradeoffs, resulting in some sense of satisfaction, but no real exploration of the underlying needs of the disputing parties.
Conflict styles: Varying approaches of behaving during conflict
Consensus: A situation (or decision) in which all members of a group find an outcome to be acceptable; most valued when members of the group perceive it to be genuinely "safe" to express dissent.
Emotional responses: Feelings curing a conflict, such as anger, fear, confusion, or elation; often contribute to behavioral and physical responses.
Empathy: The ability to put oneself in another person's position and understand that point of view.
Expertise power: The power accumulated from developing great technical knowledge regarding a particular role or set of challenges
Extremists: Parties to a dispute who hold extreme, strongly held, convictions about the right positions and solutions in a conflict; often the strongest voices in a multi-party dispute
Facilitator: One who makes the process easy; a person empowered by the group to manage a group process (e.g., a meeting).
Ground rules: the rules of conduct that govern the interactions of group members; expectations regarding interpersonal behavior.
"I"-message: A technique for expressing one's feelings assertively, without evaluating or blaming others; "I"-messages connect a feeling statement with the specific behaviors of another person and the consequences of those feelings and behaviors.
Impasse: A point at which conflicting parties feel "stuck" and no longer able to find effective solutions; often a normal phase of the conflict resolution process.
Mediator: An impartial third party who facilitates the resolution of conflict between two or more parties.
Moderates: Parties to a dispute who tend to be able to see valid aspects of each perspective and have greater flexibility about potential definitions of the negotiating space; often will be reluctant to express views in a multi-party dispute.
Multi-party disputes: Conflicts involving more than two identifiable parties or factions.
Opening Statement: In a facilitated meeting, the introduction given by the facilitator to set the tone for the meeting, establish ground rules, and clarify the process.
Physical responses: Bodily reactions to conflict, such as muscle tension, sweating, and dry mouth; often interact behavioral and emotional responses.
Pre-negotiation: The intervention of a concerned third party encourage participation in the negotiation or discussion process; can take place prior to or between meetings; an initial phase of the mediation process, where mediator meets with each party prior to a joint session.
Problem solving: An intentional and systematic process by which effective responses are sought for difficult situations.
Procedural concerns: Issues that relate to the process by which a problem is addressed; one of three sets of concerns (along with substantive and psychological concerns) in conflict.
Psychological concerns: Issues that relate to the emotional well being of group members, such as safety, trust, integrity concerns; one of three sets of concerns (along with substantive and procedural concerns) in conflict.
Referent power: The power that one accrues from earning respect from others, generally associated with integrity and competence.